The
Council of Alan Foster
The
definition of a council according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is, "a
group of people who provide advice or guidance on something". When one
thinks of a council they do think of just this, a group of people most likely
sitting around some sort of table, dressed in royal robes or in a suit and tie
making important business or political decisions. To be honest that is probably
the normal assumption of what a council would be, but then again I guess I'm
not normal. My name is Alan Foster and to me the conventional definition of a
council falls short of what a council
means to me. My council would simply be the council of Alan Foster, a council
composed of me for me. My council is composed of my conscience; whom would be
the head of my council most of the time, my emotions, my memories, basically
everything that makes a person who they are. So far this probably doesn't seem
too abnormal, a person who's emotions guide them, a person who makes decisions
based on past mistakes, a person who constantly argues with himself.
The difference about my council is that to me it actually exists. Every night in my dreams I enter this dark room, a room with a dimly lit window with nothing outside. In the center of the room sits a table with nothing on it more times than not. Every once and a while there's a weapon on it, a knife or broken glass; something along those lines. Those are the times I am most terrified when entering the room because I know he will be there. He is in fact a form of me, but one I really don't like. I'll get back to him later. Not all of my council members are scary, some of them I prefer to delegate with more than others. For instance, I enjoy the advice that Happy gives me. Happy is a good form of me, a form that constantly gives me good advice. Happy is normally joined by Excitement and Positive. These three have pulled me out of many tough situations. In opposition to those three there are many members of my council that are not always fun to speak with, but often keep me on a straight path of life that is very easy to deviate from. Sorrow and Fear are the members of my council that many may question. As much as one would think these three would hurt the council of Alan Foster more than help, the truth is without being able to feel a little bit of sadness or fear, we would not be functional human beings. These emotions exist for a reason, to help us learn from our mistakes and to keep us from repeating them. These five members of my council are the ones I normally meet with at night. My issue with my council does not stem from them, there is another whom I briefly spoke about earlier. This guy exists to torture me, and to be honest the worst part is that he is the one that I listen to most often. He is the darkness in me, he is Hate. To understand Hate you may first need to understand that I never let Hate get out much in my childhood. I just didn't see the point of hating other people, everyone has their own story, their own demons cursing them. I guess by doing that Hate has become my worse demon, torturing me at every possible opportunity. Instead of convincing me to hate others he convinces me to hate myself every day. The worst part about Hate is that for the longest time he was the only one that could get to me while I was conscious. I was free from my council for the most part while I was awake, the only exception for the longest time being my conscience. But one day he found a way to break free, a way to get to me while I was awake and he became the strongest emotion that could speak to me.
The difference about my council is that to me it actually exists. Every night in my dreams I enter this dark room, a room with a dimly lit window with nothing outside. In the center of the room sits a table with nothing on it more times than not. Every once and a while there's a weapon on it, a knife or broken glass; something along those lines. Those are the times I am most terrified when entering the room because I know he will be there. He is in fact a form of me, but one I really don't like. I'll get back to him later. Not all of my council members are scary, some of them I prefer to delegate with more than others. For instance, I enjoy the advice that Happy gives me. Happy is a good form of me, a form that constantly gives me good advice. Happy is normally joined by Excitement and Positive. These three have pulled me out of many tough situations. In opposition to those three there are many members of my council that are not always fun to speak with, but often keep me on a straight path of life that is very easy to deviate from. Sorrow and Fear are the members of my council that many may question. As much as one would think these three would hurt the council of Alan Foster more than help, the truth is without being able to feel a little bit of sadness or fear, we would not be functional human beings. These emotions exist for a reason, to help us learn from our mistakes and to keep us from repeating them. These five members of my council are the ones I normally meet with at night. My issue with my council does not stem from them, there is another whom I briefly spoke about earlier. This guy exists to torture me, and to be honest the worst part is that he is the one that I listen to most often. He is the darkness in me, he is Hate. To understand Hate you may first need to understand that I never let Hate get out much in my childhood. I just didn't see the point of hating other people, everyone has their own story, their own demons cursing them. I guess by doing that Hate has become my worse demon, torturing me at every possible opportunity. Instead of convincing me to hate others he convinces me to hate myself every day. The worst part about Hate is that for the longest time he was the only one that could get to me while I was conscious. I was free from my council for the most part while I was awake, the only exception for the longest time being my conscience. But one day he found a way to break free, a way to get to me while I was awake and he became the strongest emotion that could speak to me.
I
really don’t know exactly what in my life makes me feel the way that I do. I
have a good family and am not suffering financially at the moment. Sure I had
some troubles growing up just like anyone else but for some reason it just
seems different. When I was only eighteen years old I moved out of my parents
house and into an apartment in order to attend college. Although this was a new
experience to me I actually really enjoyed it. It was at this time though that
Anxiety became a member of my council turning fear into something much more.
Without my parents looking out for me he became a major asset, keeping me out
of too much trouble and basically keeping me alive. Finally after a year a time
came where Anxiety became corrupt, lashing out at me and trying to convince me
that everything had gone wrong. I was so accustom to listening to him for so
long that even though I knew he sounded crazy, I just had to listen to him.
After I was calmed down by my conscience I began to realize that Anxiety was
simply being overworked. I had put so much pressure on him without even
thinking about what all that stress had done to him, what it had done to me.
But something else was going on as well, something happening within me but
somehow out of my sight. Hate, my demon had gotten a hold of Anxiety and
reshaped him from a voice that guided me to a voice that tortured me. The
council of Alan Foster gained another member shortly after, Hate and Anxiety
had paved a path for Depression who made sorrow his personal pet. Sorrow quickly
turned into self-pity that soon died off all together as I stopped feeling bad
for myself and started to hate myself. After Anxiety and Depression did their
work on my council, on me, Hate emerged as the true mastermind. My council room
at this point in my life became a war room with constant conflict between my
council members. It was the proverbial fight of the angel versus the demon,
constant inner conflict between the two sides slowly tearing me apart every
single day. The time came where I no longer so the angel, I no longer saw the
light. Hate, Anxiety, and Depression completely wiped out Happy and Excitement.
It was hard to think positively anymore but he was constantly guarded by my
voice of reason. And there is was, left in a cold dark room seemingly void of
life with nothing but my conscience and some positive thoughts trying to fight
off my demons.
My
council began to flood my conscious thoughts and my dreams. The term Hell on
earth may never seem more fitting than this. I was filled with fear and hate,
hate for myself more than anything else. My mind was being won over by the
darker side of my council, I was not sure how much longer I could fight this
battle. My conscience was wavering, growing more weary every moment I was
alive. I had very few positive thoughts left in this world and I feared that
soon I would have none. Hate had almost won over the council, which terrified
me. Nothing more could be done, the rest of my council was powerless to the
power that Hate has built up. Maybe this is what happens when you lock your
emotions away. I kept Hate hidden away my entire life, like some sort of evil
Cinderella story where the most unloved child is mistreated and rises up to
destroy its family. Hate was that mistreated child in my life, the emotion I
neglected the most. The truth is there were times when I should have let the
hate out but instead just kept to myself. All those times I was picked on as a
kid, when my kindness was taken advantage of by others who only used me for
their personal gain. All these moments in my life I should have allowed Hate to
do something, but instead I chose to just let it go and take the emotional
abuse. Back then my council was strong, they were all positive and guiding me
down what they thought was the best path for me. I just didn’t know that that
entire time the hate was building up inside of me waiting for his moment to
strike. What happens when he wins? What happens when Hate completely takes over
my council and my life becomes twenty-four hour self hate. Will I just hate
myself or will I hate all of those around me? What will it be like only to
hate? Possibly my greatest fear is that one day I will find that out.
Nearing the end of everything, I was so
tempted to give up and let my demons win. But maybe it is in the darkest times
that you most clearly see the light. I had been so set on only allowing certain
emotions guide me that I had not known what else I had. Things that were always
there secretly guiding me staying out of the spotlight. The greatest of these
was Hope. In the darkest times nothing brings more sanity than hope. Hope
emerged when my positive council was battered and weary. He brought with him out
of the dark many other emotions that had been kept quiet. The greatest of them
was Love, Love for my family and friends. Love made me realize I could never
hate everyone because I cared for them all too much. Hope was now filling me
slowly bringing Happy and Excitement back to life. This is where I am left now,
a council still at war but with the tides of battle changing every day. I'm not
going to lie and say when Hope arose that I had regained control of my council,
what I can say is now I have hope for a better future. Maybe there will be more
stories of my council, but until then this is where I sit. I am human, I hurt
and I hate. I hate myself but I have hope for the days that come. Most of all I have hope that one
day, maybe just one day, Love will save me.
No comments:
Post a Comment
If you would like to leave a comment, please post it down below. Thank you for your time!